Join This Cult!

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Its a quiet morning, and youre sitting alone in your small house.

Yes, this is definitely your house. Youve got all the good stuff in it. Your home has garbage and food.

You answer the door and find a strange man standing on your porch. Hello. Its me, the man youve never met before. I hope Mischief Man fills your life with blessings and noise, says the man. My name is Nice Job, and I would like to ask you a question: Are you satisfied with your current life merely the way it is?

Well, Im sorry to hear that, says Nice Job, but I have some good news for you! What if I told you that there was a route to find big bliss and frightening ecstasy until demise eventually rends you off this doomed planet?

I represent a group of overzealous fanatics known as the Sentinels Of Paradise. We are a bunch of fun-loving people who enjoy hanging out in the woods, performing wild rites, and awaiting the Glorious Return of Mischief Man.

Oh, yes, absolutely, we are definitely a cult. We are a lunatic cult for sure, and the things we believe are dangerous and insane. You will love it.

So, what do you say? asks Nice Job. Are you ready to come with me to the timbers and await the Glorious Return of Mischief Man?

You walk with Nice Job to his van and begin your journey to the woods.

Youre going to love the Sentinels Of Paradise, says Nice Job. Youll lose your mind about Mischief Man, and it will be a lot of fun adoring Him constantly.

Thank you, says Nice Job. My mothers named me after the thing that they would say to Mischief Man if they ever saw him painting a shed.

I definitely do. Mischief Man has existed since the beginning of time, and He generated my intestines, but not my bones. How could I not love Him with all my heart and soul?

The van speeds along the highway, taking you farther away from your home and closer to the woods. Nice Job puts on a radio station youve never heard before that seems to only broadcast children saying the name Mischief Man over and over. This is my favorite song, he says every time a new child starts recurring the name Mischief Man.

The sound of the rights of children saying Mischief Man is hypnotic, and you begin to doze off as the van drives on.

Wonderful! Here is your garbage!

Your garbage doesnt answer you because it is sleeping.

You say this out loud as you smile at your garbage. Better leave your sleeping garbage alone so that it can continue to dream.

You return to your living room, thinking about how wonderful it is to know about your garbage. Abruptly, there is a knocking at the door.

Yes! There is your food! You lick your lips thinking about the sweet bounty. Its amazing to see your food.

Yes! There is your food! You lick your lips thinking about the sweet bounty. Its amazing to see your food.

You return to your living room, thinking about how beautiful it is that you have watched both your garbage and your food on the same day. What a treat! Abruptly, there is a knock at the door.

You return to your living room, thinking about how tremendous it is to live in the same house as your wonderful food. Abruptly, there is a knock at the door.

Your garbage doesnt answer you because it is sleeping.

You say this out loud several times as you smile at your garbage. Better leave your sleeping garbage alone so that it can continue to dream.

Wonderful! Here is your garbage!

You wake to the voices of chirping birds and breeze blowing through foliages. A group of smiling people dressed in business formal attire are sitting on the grass with their eyes closed.

The man closest to you speaks in a prayer-like chant: All of Nature is joyfully awaiting the Glorious Return of Mischief Man! he cries.

The men and women sitting behind him answer his chant in unison: May Mischief Man take our bones away at last!

You are in the timbers, says “the mens”. This is the home of the Sentinels Of Paradise. This is where we live, which is something we sleep, and where we worship Mischief Man, the Supreme being Of The Universe.

I am the High Priest of the Sentinels Of Paradise. Me. The adult human named Thats Wonderful.

Wonderful! We would gladly welcome you into our fold to await the Glorious Return of Mischief Man! To join the Sentinels Of Paradise, you simply must complete the Oath Of Undying Loyalty And Wild, Unbridled Fanaticism.

All the men and women in the forest cheer.

Thats great! says Thats Wonderful. You are ready to stimulate your eternal promise, and so we shall summon Promise Boy!

One of the Sentinels Of Paradise holler into the woods, It is time for Promise Boy!

For a moment, the timbers are still and silent. Then, out of the foliage, a smiling man emerges.

I am Promise Boy. says the new arrival. Is now a hour for promises?

Okay, here we go, says Promise Boy.

Do you promise to me, Promise Boy, that you are just absolutely wild about Mischief Man, and that you are able to always honor Him through your loyal and tireless service to the Sentinels Of Paradise?

And furthermore, do you promise to always remember that Mischief Man is the most glamorous thing in the Universe, and that He created your intestines, but not your bones, and that one day He will return from His prison in Sky Hell to take your bones away and then succumbs in your garage?

And ultimately, do you promise that if Mischief Man succumbs in your garage, you will let His glorious carcass lie there for a long time, and that you will allow the neighborhood puppies to come into your garage so that they can eat the meat off of the putrid and wonderful corpse of Mischief Man, the Supreme being, who generated your intestines from nothing?

There is nothing much going on in your life, so you decide to sit around and think about fire and music.

Those are two of the things that are around, you say out loud to nobody. It seems like today is going to be a very slow day for you. Abruptly, there is a knock at the door.

I understand, says the man. The Sentinels Of Paradise are not for everyone. Farewell. The strange man strolls away from your doorstep, and you shut the door behind him.

Now, you are alone in your house.

That seems nice, but havent you ever wondered if there was more to life than garbage and food? What about the unexplained mysteries of existence? Did you know that Mischief Man once did a miracle? This is the kind of sorcery you can experience if you place your faith in the Sentinels Of Paradise.

You go on to live a long and healthy life. It is a life filled with garbage and food.

Here is how your life goes 😛 TAGEND

You meet your soulmate in a palace, and the two of “youre starting” a family.

You and your soulmate raise three beautiful children together: Louis, Louis Jr ., and Louis III. All three of them go on to appear on the cover-up of Mortal Sons Magazine , and you are incredibly proud of them.

Louis, Louis Jr ., and Louis III are all executed for treason after they are caught smiling at a map of the former Soviet Union, and you cheer as the president beheads your sons on national television at the feet of the Statue of Liberty. It is a very proud day for you, and you get a bumper sticker for your auto that reads Im Just Wild About My Dead Treasonous Sons. What a life you are having!

It is a pleasant life, but it is a life bereft of enchantment and sadnes. Every now and then, your thoughts drift to that stranger who came to your door that day and the bonkers cult he wanted you to join. You wonder what could have been, but there is no going back to that time.

On your deathbed, you are surrounded by your garbage and your food. Your last word are, My only regret is that I never believed in anything insane. Perhaps the next time you are born, you will.

Congratulations on your regular life!

Really? Youre satisfied with your life of garbage and food? Havent you ever wondered if there was more to life than that? What about the unexplained mysteries of existence? Did you know that Mischief Man once did a miracle? This is the kind of magical you can experience if you place your faith in the Sentinels Of Paradise.

Thank you, says Thats Wonderful. My mothers named me after what they would say if they ever assured Mischief Man taking some time to relax by Himself in a sauna.

Now, tell me, child, what is it that you seek from the Sentinels Of Paradise on this day?

You reach into your pocket and pull out the little buzzer that you ring to let people know that you are ready to talk to them. The mysterious group of people stop their prayers, but they keep their eyes closed. The human in the front of the group speaks 😛 TAGEND

Greetings, new friend. May Mischief Man die in your garage. We are the Sentinels Of Paradise. My name is Thats Wonderful. What is it that you desire from us?

If thats true, then Im afraid youve failed the oath, says Promise Boy. You are not worthy of the Sentinels Of Paradise, and now you must pay the price of the unworthy. I pity you.

Promise Boy lunges toward you and plunges a syringe filled with a mysterious liquid into your arm. You feel yourself losing consciousness.

Everything begins to go dark around you.

You wake up in your bedroom, unsure of how you got there. When you look in the bathroom mirror, you see that someone has tattooed the words My Dedication To Mischief Man Leaves A Lot To Be Desired on your forehead.

The rest of your life is bad. When you go outside and people see your tattoo, they are disgusted that “youve never” tried hard enough for Mischief Man. You are never able to land a steady chore because potential employers always look at your forehead and say, Sorry. Were really looking to hire someone who would die for Mischief Man.

Nothing goes right for you ever again. In your heart, you know you only have yourself to blame.

Congratulations. The oath is now complete, says Promise Boy. You are now an official is part of the Sentinels Of Paradise.

The rest of the cult members give you a standing ovation. The audio of their cheers echoes in the canopy of the Forest Of Nice Times.

Congratulations! You are now the states members of the Sentinels Of Paradise! says Thats Wonderful.

Welcome, newborn Sentinel, the other members chant in unison. May Mischief Man die in your garage. Amen.

The Sentinels Of Paradise are all beaming with pleasure, and theyre holding balloons.

Dont be wild and insane! These balloons arent for you, says Thats Wonderful. These are Sin Balloons. They are part of the Carnival Of Flying Shame, one of the most important daily rituals for the Sentinels Of Paradise.

Every day, we inflate these balloons by whispering our worst secret into them, he continues. Then we let the balloons carry our bad secrets up to Mischief Man, who lives in Sky Hell. Once Mischief Man receives our bad secrets, He will send the Apple Maniac out of the timbers to us. If the Apple Maniac tells us that he detests republic, that means that Mischief Man has forgiven us for our bad secrets. But if the Apple Maniac tells us that he loves bugs, then that means that Mischief Man has not forgiven us, and that “weve been” loathsome in the eyes of Mischief Man. Im only wild about Mischief Man.

These are Sin Balloons, says Thats Wonderful. They are part of the Carnival Of Flying Shame, one of the most important point daily rites for the Sentinels Of Paradise.

Every day, we inflate these balloons by whispering our worst secret into them, he continues. Then we let the balloons carry our bad secrets up to Mischief Man, who lives in Sky Hell. Once Mischief Man receives our bad secrets, He will send the Apple Maniac out of the timbers to us. If the Apple Maniac tells us that he dislikes democracy, that means that Mischief Man has forgiven us for our bad secrets. But if the Apple Maniac tells us that he loves glitches, then that means that Mischief Man has not forgiven us, and that “weve been” loathsome in the eyes of Mischief Man. Im simply wild about Mischief Man.

All right, heres your Sin Balloon. What bad secret are you going to go about whisper into it to make it swollen?

You exhale your secret mischief into your Sin Balloon. The balloon grows fat with your crimes.

The Carnival Of Flying Shame begins. With a shout of exultation, the Sentinels Of Paradise release their Sin Balloons into the sky. Even though the balloons are filled with nothing but shameful breath, they fly up and away as if they were filled with helium the gas that floats. Its a beautiful mystery to watch the fat balloons fly when they should not. You toss your balloon into the sky along with the rest and watch it carry your terrible deeds away from you as it dances upward toward Sky Hell.

You breath the lie of your innocence into your Sin Balloon. The balloon grows fat with your deceptive whispers.

The Carnival Of Flying Shame begins. With a shout of exultation, the Sentinels Of Paradise release their Sin Balloons into the sky. Even though the balloons are filled with nothing but shameful breath, they fly up and away as if they were filled with helium the gas that floats. Its a beautiful mystery to watch the fat balloons fly when they should not. Even though your balloon is filled with nothing but misinforming yawns, you toss it into the sky along with the rest and watch as it floats upward toward Sky Hell.

The last of the Sin Balloons disappear into the cloud. The Sentinels Of Paradise turn their heads toward a shrub in the wood. There is a tense hush.

Soon, the Apple Maniac will emerge from behind that bush, says Thats Wonderful. If he says he abhors republic, then Mischief Man has forgiven us. If he says he love bugs, then we are wretched in the eyes of Mischief Man.

The last of the Sin Balloons disappear into the cloud. The Sentinels Of Paradise turn their heads toward a shrub in the wood. There is a tense hush.

Soon, the Apple Maniac will emerge from behind that shrub, says Thats Wonderful. If he says he loathes democracy, then Mischief Man has forgiven us. If he says he love glitches, then we are wretched in the eyes of Mischief Man.

Suddenly, out of the woodland, the Apple Maniac emerges with his basket of apples and starts eating them ravenously. I love bugs! he hollers through mouthfuls of apple meat. Apple bits fly out of the Apple Maniacs mouth as he continues to shrieking and eat apples.

Bugs! Love em! Big glitches crawling around, small glitches crawling aroundboth! I love glitches! I kiss the glitches that eat the meat of the dead! He pauses for a few moments to shove an entire apple core into his mouth. Oh, fuck! Bugs “re my only” king!

The Sentinels Of Paradise let on an anguished lament. The Apple Maniacs words are a sure sign that Mischief Man has not forgiven them.

The Apple Maniac finishes eating his apples, falls silent, and strolls back into the forest.

How did this happen? asks a quavering voice among the Sentinels Of Paradise. Why does Mischief Man hate us?

You lied to Mischief Man? a human shrieks. Thats the worst thing anyones ever done, and this is coming from me, the bozo who fabricated mu

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